ahhhhgggg

I hate myself today. Maybe not hate, but dislike and confusion are accurate.

How exactly does one gain 2lbs while eating 1200 calories and exercising every day. This boggles my mind. I don't get it and I refuse to believe it. Actually it's depressed me greatly and I would like to curl up in bed all day.

Putting on muscles would be great, but I've done this before and this isn't how my body works.

I'm fucking grouchy. I can't wait for tomorrow...for one day to just not do this...

damn jeans

I'm wearing jeans!

Stay with me, here. This actually is exciting.

I haven't been comfortable in a pair of jeans in a really long time. Either the waist was uncomfortable, or the thighs too tight.

I would wear a pair of jeans for the exact amount of time I was out of the house and then change right back into jogging pants or leggings.

I went for a walk with Holly, my mom, and her babies around 2:00pm and it's now 5:00pm and I'm still wearing them. I didn't even notice I still had them on until right now.

Jeans are my mortal enemy...actually pants are my mortal enemy but I'm comfortable right now. Weird.

strange

Yesterday my sister and I took her babies for a walk around the non-ghetto 'hood across the street from us. Walked for about an hour. With the 30 minute jog I put in that morning I worked out for like 87 minutes yesterday and burned 500 calories, and strangely enough it was the first day in 7 days that I haven't lost weight. Oh well, I did lose 6lbs in 7 days so I can't really complain. Although I was kinda bummed, I was hoping for a lbs a day, but I've still done well.

November is gonna be a messy month for overeating, lots of reasons to cheat. My KFB girls are coming for a visit, Will's birthday, and if Holly and Dan move we'll have a going away part I'm sure. But that's okay. I'm gonna keep up with my running and eating well. The days I fuck up I will just enjoy and not punish myself or feel guilty for. Ya, that was all real easy to type, let's hope it happens.

I have 21.4lbs total to lose, 15.4lbs now, and I think I can get very close to that by Christmas.

im awesome

Finally tried spaghetti squash.

Holy shit its good, and so effing simple to make.

Cut it in half, place cut side down, shove in oven for 40 minutes....DONERS!!!

I put cooked tomatoes and garlic on it but it would have been yummy with just parm. cheese...or even pesto.

As long as you disassociate it with the texture of real noodles then you will really enjoy it. Trust me, it's nothing like spaghetti, other than the shape.

And only around 80 calories for 2 cups. It's my new favourite food. The one squash I bought has about 4 servings in it, so it's well worth the money.

I recommend everyone try it once.

healthy and happy

I am very encouraged.

I've eaten so well the last 5 days, and I've worked out every day. NO cheating, not even once. All though I thought about it every second of those 5 days.

I just wanna sit down and eat a whole bag of Miss Vickies. Yumby! But I hate how I feel and how I feel about myself when I do that, so it's pretty easy to not give in.

I also have decided to just run. Run until I'm pooped and then I'm done. I've still managed to work out over 30 minutes every day. Telling myself I have to work out for an hour just makes me cranky. This way if I'm feeling a little down one day I can jog for 15-20 minutes and still burn enough calories for it to be worth it. I also managed to run for 5km straight, which I have NEVER done before! Took me 41 minutes, not exactly Olympic quality, but 4 minutes faster then I've ever gone before. And it can only get better from there. If I keep this up I may be able to run a 10km in the spring...

I have lost weight, which is fantastic. But I'm also feeling more positive about myself. I don't think I've called myself fat for a couple of days...and that's awesome. I call usually call myself fat on an hourly basis.

Obviously I will be cheating. Will's birthday is coming up, and I believe my KFB girls are coming for a visit sometime in November. But no diet will work if you deprive yourself of everything. I found these McCain Spinach Thin Crust Pizza.... 170 calories for 1/4 of the pizza. As long as you don't eat the whole thing (or burn 500 calories working out that day) it's still decent for you. Spinach is health food, right?

My "official" weigh in will be on Wednesday morning. I have a goal weight in mind, which I wont be sharing...unless I reach it.

Four days straight for good eatin' and working out.

Ran 5km straight for the first time - EVER!

Feeling great.

Gonna weight in tomorrow.

I'm nervous.

shut up

So I sat down with myself to settle our unfinished business.

My body basically told me to stop being such a fucking pussy and do it.

I agreed...so I strapped on my shoes and recommitted myself to jogging. Jogged for 30 minutes straight. It felt amazing.

Ate really well yesterday and am doing great today.

Decided I need to try quinoa again...after a previously failed attempt.

I bet I can get down to my goal weight by Christmas.

unfinished business

I can't keep up with this thing. Even being out of work and home all the time I still manage to neglect it.

Sowwwwwy!!

A couple of nights ago...or maybe yesterday, while watching Biggest Loser, Will and I were just chatting about the show and the goings on and he looked at me and said that I could do it in like a week. I could get where I want to be in a week. He's wrong, it would take a little while longer, but it kinda hit me that it's only me that can do it. And I can. So why don't I.

I love running, so why don't I do it?

I lost over 80 pounds, so why is this 20 such a pain in my ass?

Why am I so out of control?

I love vegetables and fruits, I love being active, and I miss liking my body. So why do I keep overeating and sitting on my ass?

I'm eating my feelings, I know that. I wish I could identify which feeling I was eating that didn't exist the last time I lost all the weight.

I sometimes feel like it was easy last time I did this...but it wasn't. It was a pain in the ass then as well. I could sit in my bedroom and stare at myself and cry for hours. It's was emotionally exhausting.

And I didn't lose 80lbs overnight, and I didn't gain back these 30lbs in a week.

My body and I have unfinished business...and I plan to take care of it asap...

MacG

My sweety is coming home today. It's been a long four days. I got fired Thursday, then the cat started puking. Friday he wouldn't walk and puked up some blood. He hasn't been home since and has been on quite the journey around Ottawa. Good news though cause now we have a vet for him and we're going to get Mulligan in as well for a check up. Man-o-man is having a cat expensive. It was the hardest decision but also the easiest to spend the money. He's part of our family and I love him. As long as his potassium hasn't come back up (and there is no reason it would) he will be home at 1pm today! Yay!